John Steinbeck

“There Are Those Who Must Live In Rooms Of Experience That The Rest Of Us Can Never Enter - Perhaps We Should Quit Trying To Intrude Into These Places, And Simply Learn To Guard The Door.”

John Steinbeck

The business of trying to achieve a sense of self/power in one's adult life can (but doesn't have to) become an obsessive/compulsive expression of childhood neediness and unmet needs that stems from deep core belief structures. In the more extreme circumstances, this is expressed as personality disorders that can be coupled with addictions, obsessions and compulsions.

When one reaches out into life for adult relationships, the relationships so formed become a sounding board for buried pain and the repressed core issues. That is when all hell will break loose. So it follows that if one only tries to resolve the relationship problem(s) and the core belief issues are never dealt with ...that is, they remain quietly in the deeper and darker recesses of the mind, they will rise again at another inopportune time to keep the individual from having the very thing they want ... a loving relationship with another human being.

What one has to do is: take hold of what they are doing in the present ... then come to understand that they are being driven by parts of their past ... then come to terms with knowing they can act differently ... and finally, understanding there are deep forces at work here when our basic needs are not being met ... Then Begin The Process Of Meeting Those Needs From The Adult Perspective And Not The Child's.

Note: In negative approaches to finding needs satisfaction, one of the most common indicators is that it is being done at someone else's expense ... “if he would only” or “if she could just” ... someone else is the brunt of my pain ... the reason why I can’t ... the hurt and pain is about transfer and counter transfer.  This one is very important to understand.

If a child can't find the sense of power to identify themselves as an individual, then they will be on a life long journey of attempting to establish that Sense of Self as an adult. One of the inherent problems in this is that it is the child's needs that are in question not the adult ... Hence the Adult Child Syndrome. It can and usually does become a very ugly tread mill to be on.

By understanding the drives for SURVIVAL, POWER, LOVE, BELONGING, FREEDOM, SPIRITUALITY & SPIRITUAL GROWTH and FUN in people, we become more conscious of the need for our world to be a Quality World of our choosing.

Page 72 ... Into the Light

On Having and Finding Respect


Respect


This starts with the individual’s sense of self and that sense of self is a by-product of very early developmental experiences.


Its clearest defining qualities are related to time and how time and interaction with affective adults was spent … with those who reflect how that individual was viewed by them during the child’s first 30 to 60 months of life.


It Is True That:


It is a necessity that we must first have respect for ourselves … it then follows naturally … that we next have to have respect for the rules we chose by … which we agree to … and conduct our living accordingly and build our social order around.


On the other hand if we do not have this sense of respect instilled at a very early age then ... it is with great effort and difficulty that we will move through our lives.


Respect is something that is purely experiential … it can be obtained anytime … but first we must know what it is that we are looking for … and then … where it is we must search to find it. 12 Step programs help enormously here as do other self help programs. The book Iron John asks the question “Where is the Key hidden?”


One of life’s conundrums is that sooner or later we get ourselves involved in attempting to make something happen or a series of things happen … herein lies the problem; a necessary ingredient for those things to happen is we need to respect ourselves to accomplish or complete the tasks we have set out for ourselves to complete … now the complexity sets insomuch that for the most part most of us don’t carry the necessary tools to cause the respect to be there because it is not part of our working tool kit … it somehow got overlooked … thus the task at hand that should not have been all that difficult becomes a very difficult task.


The Basics of the concept is:


• A person cannot respect himself unless he knows the truth of himself.


For most the truth about us is lost back in the early beginnings … at times and places where we simply had to begin to pretend to be someone else just to be able to get along in our families of origin That Hurt(s).


It is also true that our every effort is to maintain the lid on this painful thing so that it does not get out and hurt us again. The problem is that (neurotic) defense strategies themselves become more painful than the pain they were masking but our only defense to pain is to build another neurotic structure … mask … false self … to protect us from our pain of our reality.


Finding our lost self-respect is a prerequisite to healing; something a kin to Peter Pan recovering his lost shadow from Wendy’s drawer. Now we have a place to look … and a direction to go in.

Daily Reflection

Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understood Him and sought through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God, praying only for the knowledge of God's will for me and the power to carry that out.

13 On Appreciating Deeper Processes - Past Made Present

EXPERIENCE has taught us that most of us are secretly reliving things that are no longer present in our lives. We are protecting ourselves from demons that are no longer there.

Psychic shadow boxing - again it appears.

It is true that life is a place filled with the weird, the wonderful, and the colorful, and we do have to consider using caution with some things. But we can do it from an adult perspective and see things as they are, not as they used to be.

The demons were real once; that much is true. It just may not be true now.

Being Open To The Fact That The Past Is Not The Present

Allows Room For The Soul To Come Out Of Hiding And

To Grow And Mature.

45 On Seeing Simple Truths

EXPERIENCE has taught us that there are gifts in life that most of us do not recognize as gifts. Sometimes we may have to stretch it a bit to understand them as gifts.


The gift of fear is the restoration of our capacity for wisdom and freedom.


By embracing our fears we gain the opportunity to notice what is life-destructive and what is life-enhancing. Both avenues of investigation require risk.


Peck says, in The Road Less Traveled,

“When We Extend Ourselves, Our Self Enters New And Unfamiliar Territory . . . The Experience Of Change, Or Unaccustomed Activity, Of Being On Unfamiliar Ground, Of Doing Things Differently Is Frightening . . . Courage Is Not The Absence Of Fear, It Is The Making Of An Action In Spite Of The Fear, The Moving Out Against The Resistance Engendered By Fear Into The Unknown And Into The Future.”

Lessons on Life: Beginning Middle and an End

There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn not to judge things too quickly.

So he sent them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at a pear tree that was a great distance away.

The first son went in the winter, the second in the spring, the third in summer, and the youngest son in the fall.

When they had all gone and come back, he called them together to describe what they had seen.

The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent, and twisted. The second son said, no it was covered with green buds and full of promise. The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever seen. The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and fulfillment.

The man then explained to his sons that they were all right, because they had each seen but only one season in the tree's life. He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a person, by only one season, and that the essence of who they are and the pleasure, joy, and love that come from that life can only be measured at the end, when all the seasons are up.

If you give up when it's winter, you will miss the promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer, and the fulfillment of your fall.

Author Unknown ...

In the Nature of the Lie --- Adapted from Pamela Meyer, author of Liespotting

Lies are only possible because they are—by necessity—a co operative act1.

Statement of Fact: A lie has no power of its own.

A lie only has power when someone else agrees to believe the lie. So if you have been lied too lately, then in there somewhere you set it up to be lied too. That is sometimes a difficult pill to swallow.

Not all lies are hostile acts ... Don’t I sing well? ... Does this make my butt look too big ??? ... etc ... What would you say? ... Maintaining social niceties are excuses we use to lie. Once agreed to as a social norm then, consciously or unconsciously we are in agreement and we can both agree to pretend. The problem is, now we are both liars ... in a nice, kinda of way.

Two Basic types of lies: Willing participants in the lie: That is, I’ll believe you are who it is that you say and think you are... if you believe I am who it is that I say and think I am. There are several thousand other extrapolations on this theme but this is the basic premise. I’ll look after you ... if... you look after me. Some call this sharing ... some form relationships based on this but essentially, it’s lying, and that’s the truth.

On the other hand there are times when we are unwilling participants. You get to see this particularly in business; Bernie Madoff is one of the better known worst examples. Statistics noted that in the business year 2008/2009 nearly ¾ of a trillion + dollars or nearly 7% of the GNP of the USA was scammed by deceivers like Madoff. Another infamous example is President Bill Clinton and there are literally thousands of examples where these few people get their greed needs met at the cost of the many.

The underlying premise is that the conman is working from a place that was stated very clearly by Henry Overlander, a Brit, who was said to be able to bring down any (if not all) of the world’s banks single handedly. In the one and only interview he ever gave in his life he stated: “I’ve got one rule. Everyone is willing to give you something. They’re ready to give you something for whatever it is they’re hungry for.”

What you are hungry for does not have to be real; it just needs to appear to be real for you and your portion of the deal. The dupe is positioned by the con to give first and then forced to wait for the fantasy return (shortly). If it is too good to be true ... etc. The nature of what we are hungry for is buried deeply in our unmet needs ... and by the time we hit adolescents or early adulthood the need has been masked over by so many false fronts and wishes it is hard to tell what the real need is.

But it is still the deeper needs fulfilment drives that causes “the hungry” Overlander is talking about.

If you don’t want to be deceived then you have to know what you are hungry for ... that much is simple.

Basic Primary Needs are:

1. Food Shelter Clothing,

2. A Sense of Power,

3. A Sense of Fun,

4. A Sense of Belonging ... Love and Acceptance, A

5. Sense of Freedom...

We all have our fantasy wish list ... and the lie is the bridge between the Reality of My Reality (my painful world) and the Fantasy of My Reality (my painless world).

No one wants to be hurt ... But the truth of the matter is life is painful and the lie is a vain attempt to bypass that pain. By accepting that life is painful, by accepting that as a fact, it makes the pain of life a little less difficult to handle and life a little more tolerable.

Statistics say that strangers will lie 3 times in the first 10 minutes of meeting. It is also stated that we are normally lied to 10 to 200 times during the course of a normal day. It seems to be the way of things.

When this information hits us it is hard to imagine that this is really the way of things in the day to day world of our life. Now the truth of the matter is that we lie more to strangers then we do to co workers ... extraverts lie more than introverts ... men lie 8 times more about themselves then they do about other people ... Women lie more to protect other people from the pain of the perceived truth ... if you are in an average marriage then you are going to lie to your spouse one out of every ten interactions ... now if you are unmarried, and that number drops to one in every three interactions ...

Rule one: The truth of the matter is that we are deep ambivalent about the truth and pass it out only as necessary...

Rule two: we are overtly against lying but covertly for it. We are for it in the ways that our society has sanctioned ... sometime the history of the sanctioning drifts far back into antiquity.

Rule Three: we are hard wired to lye ... the larger the neo cortex in the species the bigger and better the liar.

• There is the well-known story of Koko the gorilla who had a baby kitten name ‘All Ball’... Koko was taught to sign and could communicate readily with her keepers ... she once blamed All Ball for tearing a sink off the wall ...

• Babies will fake a cry stop and see if anyone is coming then go right back to crying

• One year olds learn concealment ...

• Two year olds bluff

• Five year olds lie out right ... they manipulate via flattery

• Nine year olds are masters of the cover up

• By the time an average person gets to be college age they will normally lie to their mom one out of every five interactions

• So by the time we enter the work world we enter a world that is full of spam and fake digital friends ... people who would rather lie then tell us the truth if in fact they even know what it is ... it is a world that is full of schemers ... referred to in the literature as the Post Truth Society.

[1] Adapted from Pamela Meyer, author of Liespotting

On Dreams and Dreaming

1. What was the overall plot / story of the dream?

2. Highlight the outstanding emotions experienced in the dream.

3. Were the emotions felt predominantly positive or negative?

4. What was your vantage point in the dream (observer, participant, or both depending on the portion of the dream referred to)? (If you were in observer, how did you feel about what you were observing? Were you caught up in the events as they were unfolding, as if they were happening to you; or did you feel more objective, detach from the events you were witnessing unfold?).

5. What was the outcome / resolution of the dream? (This may reveal tips on how you should go about doing something in waking life)

6. Could you anticipate the outcome of any of the activities in your dream before they happened? If yes, which ones?

7. Did the events in your dream seem to occur in an erratic or random way, or did they seem to unfold in logical sequence?

8. Were there any recurrent dreams symbols (people, places, things or situations which frequent show up in your dreams)?

After the explore the dream using these suggestions, we then process it together.

Systemic Maturation

Systemic maturation occurs both in the healthy functional family and the dysfunctional family. These stages are called The Early Phase, The Middle Phase and The Late Phase.


The Early Phase:
This is the time when new families form boundaries, rules, regulations and rituals to govern themselves. Some but not all are carry over practices from their family of origin. The healthy family establishes boundaries to meet the needs of the family members. The dysfunctional family establishes boundaries to meet the needs of the Prime Stressor and the systems, never the individual within the system. Accommodation rather than Cooperation is the primary factor. I live my life adjusting to someone else’s problem.


The Middle Phase:
This is a time of consolidation within the system. In the dysfunctional system, this phase is marked by the necessity of deeper commitment by the various members of the system to the system and a growing consistency of regulatory behaviour, rules and roles according to the needs of the system. It really boils down to each member of the family being there for the family but the family not being there for them. It is during this stage that dependency behaviour(s) of the Prime Stressor is reinforced. The family consistently meets the needs of the system that is being controlled by the Prime Stressor ... at the expense of the needs of the individual within the system. Members of the system are abandoned with everyone at home. During this phase there is strong resistance to either growth or change. New rules and norms form naturally around how the family operates. These become the rules of the road within the system. Everyone adapts:

The family adjusts their thinking to make the unacceptable acceptable. This is not healthy, but it is the norm and acceptable because it has been sanctioned by the system to define their Way of Doing Things.

Acceptable according to the rules

developed by the family to cope.

The Late Phase:
It is during this phase that the legacies for future generations form. The Way of Things for the family system becomes the customs and rituals especially at celebratory times of the year. Co dependent families experience this phase with the most difficulty. With the progression of the Co-Dependency Cycle severe health problems begin to arise and the family resists the need for change and becomes more rigid in their ways. As the family tries to cope with the crisis of the moment they are totally unable to prepare for their future and more importantly they have never considered facing the demons of their past.

Recipe for Sanity

Only by discussing ourselves, holding back nothing, only by being willing to take advice and accept direction [can] we set foot on the road to straight thinking, solid honesty, and genuine humility.

Repeat Often

A Truth by any other name is still the truth

We're all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you've been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there's no right person, just different flavors of wrong.

Why is this?

Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complimentary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn't until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems - the ones that make you truly who you are - that we're ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you're looking for. You're looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person, someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, This is the problem I want to have. I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way. Let u'r scars fall in love...

You came to this world singularly and unclothed. That is your path. The others that you encounter are here on the path with you and are on the same journey but they can only serve as guideposts for you, and they can only provide you the opportunity to find your own blind spots, that's all.

There is a vast world of difference between solitude and loneliness and that is your discovery to make.

On Spiritual Path Finding

Once you have awakened from The Great Sleep Of Your Unawareness ...

Once you get past The Circumstances Of Your Best Imaginings ...

Once you’ve bumped into The Greater Way Of Things ...

There’s no turning back .

Your problem now is

You know.

And

This knowing cannot be undone.

Once you’re initiated

You’re done.

You’re an Initiate

And

Your life ... like it or lump it ... has changed.

I had a Traveller once who screamed at me

“Put It Back The Way It Was!”

Sorry—I don’t do that one ...

I am just a gate keeper,

“Shams al Din.”

It’s a one way passage.

Through,

But only after

... “You know!” ...

Understanding Me While Being We

The source of much of our unhappiness is the Failing or Failed relationships with those who are important to us: with our spouses, parents, children, friends and colleagues... their lack of conformity to how we imagine they should be.

Herein lay the problems most relationships will suffer during the course of their existence. It is not so much that the relationship is flawed; it is more that the individuals bring to the table a series of unmet needs and personality bruises that stand in the way. It’s not a couple’s problem. It is individual problems that were there long before the couple met that stands in the way... unfinished business from years ago.

The symptoms of unhappiness are widely variable and are often seen as mental illness. M Scott Peck makes the observation that most if not all human mental disorder is structured in an individual’s inability to face their legitimate suffering.

Most personality disorders are defence strategies gone sideways, but they become ways of dealing with life and they leave each of us wanting.

Zen and the Art of Lost and Found /Chapter 6

There is an absolute importance of sorting through the truth of our real experience and it is so essential to our well being (at all levels - mentally, emotionally and spiritually) that the loss of this truth to our mythical defensive delusions almost always is expressed sooner or later in some form of grave illness.

Have you ever noticed: Why You Are Afraid When You Are … it is different then when you notice: Why You Think You Are Afraid After The Fear Has Passed … when I really stopped and looked at this one while I was still in the midst of my fear … I noticed I Could Not Discern The Truth. The truth was out there … in the jumble of my reality but I had lost sight of it … somehow.

What I also had noticed as I sorted through certain variations on a theme on my life was I had lost sight of the truth of it for sometime … more importantly … I was really not too sure what it would look like if it came up and bit me. This observation I found fascinating … something akin to the look on the moose’s face just before the train hits.

Oh I knew it was there … some place … but I could not determine what it was or what had really happened to me, or for that matter … who really did it … there I was hung in this limbo land … not knowing and not being able to see clearly what it was that I was being told was the truth … I could not see ... I had no idea what I was looking at.

Oh I could see all the superficial things … houses and people and things … but I had senses that were running amuck trying to see between the lines … it simply did not make sense to me … and I had no one to turn to … because … I had also noticed that everyone else who was seemingly sharing this experience with me could not agree either … with me or each other … on what the hell it was that we were experiencing.

Trying to discuss this with people … be that family members or not … made for interesting discussions that often as not turned into flat out arguments and fights …

Answer More Of These in Your Journal … In Long Hand

• Have you accepted the full measure and affect of your affliction … the ones you have just awakened to?

• Do you actually think you can still associate with the people connected with your problems or your past?

• Can you still go to the places where you used to act out?

• Do you think it's wise to keep the reminders of your earlier days around, just to remind yourself or to feel safe or to test your recovery?

• If so, why?

• Is there something that you need to do or someplace that you need to be that you think you can't get to or through without mood altering or acting out. Using your old best worst habit.

• Is there some event that might happen to you that will be so painful that you’ll have to resort to your old ways just to survive?

• What reservations do you have about making the changes that you need to make, and what are you still holding on to that prevents you from making the changes you know you need to make?

Zen and the Art of Lost and Found /Chapter 5

Everyone Sees Their Own World For Their Own Reasons. Their 'Own World' And 'Own Reasons' Are Steeped In Terms Of Self-Preservation Protection. Protecting The Self From The Self's Past Experience.

I noticed one interesting thing; I have always had "a notion" ... a belief ... that I knew "how things should be working" ... for me and oddly enough ... "for everyone else too."

This "knowingness" changes from time to time but I still hold the position that "I should know."


Sometimes "my knowingness" stretches me into a place of appreciating that "I ... 'in-fact' don't know" ... that place of 'in-fact' ... I have come to find out ... is a place in my consciousness of knowing ... actually, it is just the back door to attempting to understand something that I can not quite get my head around ...


When I stop and think about it for a moment ... the great spiritual leaders didn't necessarily have lives that I would want to emulate ... take Christ for instance...


 He never reached his earning potential ...


 He never really had steady work ...


 He wandered from town to town ... talking to people ... I have to wonder aloud ... were backpacks invented yet?


 He never really learned a trade ... and in particular ... never learned the trade his father wanted to pass on to him ...


 He was always living off the gifts and handouts from others ...always on Social Assistance ... so to speak ...


 He never really got the respect of his peers ... especially the insiders in his so-called chosen profession ... they despised him if the truth were to be known and were responsible for his undoing.


 He had difficulty choosing friends ...those he did choose ... weren't exactly loyal ... and they did this "not being loyal thing" at exactly the wrong point in time ... The Garden of Gethsemane ... Peter ... Judas ... etc ...


 He had difficultly ... from a certain perspective ... in having successful and meaningful relationships with women ... could not get a girlfriend to save his life.


 His mother never really got it ... what it was that he was up to for the longest time ...


 Yet here am I ... firmly believing that I need all these things and more ... just to be spiritual...

... I Think NOT...

Answer These in Your Journal ... In Long Hand


1) What does unmanageability mean to you?


2) Do you insist on having your-way regardless?


3) What effect has your insistence on having things your-way had on your relationships?


4) Are you able to carry out your daily responsibilities without becoming overwhelmed by your life and all its happenings?


5) How has this overwhelmed thing affected your life?


6) Do you seem to naturally maintain a crisis in your mind?


7) How has your hyper vigilance affected you and your life style?


8) Do you ignore signs that something may be seriously wrong with your life circumstance, health or with your family, or relationships ... thinking things will somehow magically work out?


9) Do you have temper tantrums or react to your feelings in other ways that lower your self-respect or sense of dignity?


10) Can you describe in detail.

Take a look at me now : Phil Collins

this is a powerful piece of poetry ... reflect on it and you will see
How can I just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace

When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh

You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me,

when all I can do is watch you leave

Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears

You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, oh there's just an empty space

And there's nothing left here to remind me,

just the memory of your face

Ooh take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space

And you coming back to me is against the odds and that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,

turn around and see me cry

There's so much I need to say to you,

so many reasons why

You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space

And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face

Now take a look at me now, cos there's just an empty space

But to wait for you, is all I can do and that's what I've got to face

Take a good look at me now, cos I'll still be standing here

And you coming back to me is against all
It's the chance I've gotta take

Take a look at me now

Phil Collins

It Was St Paul Who Said

When I was a child, I spake as a child.  When I became an adult, I put away childish things ...St Paul

sometimes easier said than done ...ndt

From An Adult Point of View

available neiltubb@shaw.ca as PDF

The business of trying to achieve a sense of self/power in one's adult life can (but doesn't have to) become an obsessive/compulsive expression of childhood neediness and unmet needs that stems from deep core belief structures. In the more extreme circumstances, this is expressed as personality disorders that can be coupled with addictions, obsessions and compulsions.



When one reaches out into life for adult relationships, the relationships so formed become a sounding board for buried pain and the repressed core issues. That is when all hell will break loose.


So it follows that if one only tries to resolve the relationship problem(s) in the present moment and the core belief issues are never dealt with ... that is, they remain quietly in the deeper and darker recesses of the mind, they will rise again at another inopportune time to keep the individual from having the very thing they want ... a loving relationship with another human being.


What one has to do is: take hold of what they are doing in the present ... have a really good long look at it ... then come to understand that they are being driven by parts and places of their own past ... then come to terms with knowing they can act differently ... and finally, understanding there are deep forces at work here when our basic needs are not being met ... far more powerful than anyone of us would care to admit. Then begin the process of meeting those needs from the adult perspective and not the child's.

There Is No One Need

Available from neiltubb@shaw.ca

There Is No One Need

That Is Greater Than Another Need

There are times when an individual may feel a greater need from one aspect or another ... just so they can recover a sense of balance in their personal world.

We are all driven to fill these needs one way or another. It is the undercurrent of all our behaviours. These needs will be met by either a positive approach or negative approach ... When I use a negative approach it will be to my detriment ... and often at someone else’s expense ... When I approach this from a positive place it causes me to invest in me and thus causing a growth. It then follows that I am invested in me ... and this investment in me creates growth from within ... socially, psychologically, spiritually, emotionally ...

• From the front door ... positive ... the only expense here is to me ... this is my investment into me.

• From the back door ... negative ... I do this at the expense of others ... I invest in me by a negative approach.

Research asserts that 95% of all relationship problems are the misguided efforts of people trying to achieve a sense of self/power. The business of not having a sense of power is a learned phenomena and usually experienced initially early on in life. Now the classic aspect is that once learned, this misguided effort transfers into our Deep Core Belief Structure. That behaviour claims its place in Our Way of Doing Things. It then quietly moves forward with the individual into their adult life and slowly and deliberately wreaks havoc in their life ... (called the Adult Children Syndrome) ...

The business of trying to achieve a sense of self/power in one's adult life can (but doesn't have to) become an obsessive/compulsive expression of childhood neediness and unmet needs that stems from deep core belief structures. In the more extreme circumstances, this is expressed as personality disorders that can be coupled with addictions, obsessions and compulsions.

When one reaches out into life for adult relationships, the relationships so formed become a sounding board for buried pain and the repressed core issues. That is when all hell will break loose. So it follows that if one only tries to resolve the relationship problem(s) and the core belief issues are never dealt with ...that is, they remain quietly in the deeper and darker recesses of the mind, they will rise again at another inopportune time to keep the individual from having the very thing they want ... a loving relationship with another human being.

What one has to do is: take hold of what they are doing in the present ... then come to understand that they are being driven by parts of their past ... then come to terms with knowing they can act differently ... and finally, understanding there are deep forces at work here when our basic needs are not being met ... then begin the process of meeting those needs from the adult perspective and not the child's.

Note: In negative approaches to finding needs satisfaction, one of the most common indicators is that it is being done at someone else's expense ... “if he would only” or “if she could just” ... someone else is the brunt of my pain ... the reason why I can’t ... the hurt and pain is about transfer and counter transfer. This one is very important to understand.

If a child can't find the sense of power to identify themselves as an individual, then they will be on a life long journey of attempting to establish that Sense of Self as an adult. One of the inherent problems in this is that it is the child's needs that are in question not the adult ... Hence the Adult Children Syndrome. It can and usually does become a very ugly tread mill to be on.

By understanding the drives for SURVIVAL, POWER, LOVE, BELONGING, FREEDOM and FUN in people, we become more conscious of the need for our world to be a Quality World of our choosing.

Know This

Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try

Chapter Twelve

I’m well along on my path now.

I’ve really traveled quite a piece.

I'm now doing whatever needs to be done in the fashion it seems to need doing.

It is my belief now, that as I follow my spiritual practices it is being done in conjunction with my Higher Power’s Will for me.

I have come to learn that I have always been in the perfectly right place for me to be, even in the face of what sometimes appears to be overwhelming evidence to the contrary, at least in my mind anyway.

It warms my heart to have real friends. People who actually enjoy me as much I enjoy them.

My world is now a wonderful place. The grass is still green as it always was and the sun still rises in the east as it always has, but I see things so differently now.

Imagine that—knowing I am in exactly the right place, at exactly the right time, doing exactly the right thing. Now that is confidence isn’t it?

As I come upon a mystical stream, I notice someone struggling with a metaphorical backpack. I wonder what is next in line for me today. I sit down beside him and ask,

“Are you looking for someone?

How Can I Help?”

Chapter Eleven

So as I begin to move into the many tomorrows of the rest of my life, I notice that I have come out of a dream-like state, one that I had been in for most of my life. Odd, being out here in the real world. I notice that I look forward to the day ahead of me. Imagine that, looking forward to what is next.

Strange thoughts for a person like me.

So I tidy myself up just a little and turn my focus inward to my Higher Power; I sort of combine prayer, conversation and meditation.

I just take the time to notice and acknowledge that my God is now a part of my life and that I am part of Its Expression of the universe. So as I acknowledge my place in God’s creation, I take the time to ask any questions about my life that I feel I need guidance on. I toss these thoughts out into the ring and just leave them for God to deal with in Its own good time. It is sort of like a spiritual morning shower, it refreshing.

I close my eyes and turn my thoughts to My Creator.

Acknowledging the sacredness of all things and of all people, I ask simple things like:

 What would you have me do today?

 Or, how can I be one of your instruments today?

 Place before me what you would have me do and with your strength and wisdom at my side I will do my very best to do what needs to be done.

I notice that as I talk with my God in this fashion He actually answers me.

I notice something else that if I offer thankfulness for the as-of-yet immature day it becomes just a little nicer place to be, no matter what happens.

I no longer feel alone.

I seem to get answers to questions that previously baffled me, and things actually get done that used to overwhelm me. Sometimes it’s the garbage that needs to be taken out. Sometimes, my job seems to be instrumental in saving a soul or two, and then it’s just life saving 101. It is only what I do, but more importantly, I do it for and with God. I never did that before. Now it is the way of things.

I simply do whatever is next, and it is not my agenda any longer. I can now live comfortably with me not trying to prove and re-prove who it is that I thought I was.

I notice I have forgiven. Oh, it was never ok that what happened actually happened to me, but that doesn’t matter anymore. I’ve unhooked from the past and all the energy I had invested in protecting me from a world I thought would destroy me ——the ghosts of Xmas past.

I never really noticed this until now. And I am not too sure when that release happened. But it did, and I am thankful for it.

I now know that if I want to understand my innocence, I need to ask for the willingness to forgive.

Chapter Ten

Well, I am up walking again.

I’m heading off in the Direction Of The Rest Of My Life.

The sun is shining, the grass is green and the flowers smell wonderful.

I’m happy with myself and I can actually say that I feel carefree, unencumbered.

Now, I know that I have not finished with my business of making amends, but I have made a darned good start.

It will end when it ends.

I know that now.

I notice something else also.

People enjoy being with me.

Some smile at me and some twinkle a hello with their eyes.

I am somebody and others actually acknowledge that as they pass by.

Simply being here in the first place on a wonderful day becomes very fulfilling.

I belong.

Finally I belong.

So, as I sit here and ponder my journey thus far, something that James Joyce wrote comes to mind, “Mr. Duffy lived a short distance from his body.”

That leads me to think just how often I have been beside myself with anger, frustration or disappointment. As I ponder this thought of “being beside myself” I find myself turning inward. Then I notice that Presence there with me, and as I notice it there with me, I hear in my mind that Voice, that directs me through a simple few thoughts.

First It tells me, “therapeutic healing in all its many forms brings me to an awareness of myself and my body; an awareness that I may never have noticed before. It points out to me, that this is especially important in a culture such as ours, because all of us have been trained to neglect our instinctual life.”

The Voice goes on, “in the process of healing, you slow down, actually and truly staying in the moment with whatever it is that arises for longer and longer periods of time, no longer meandering through the tangle of your own thoughts.

For with this awareness,” the Voice tells me, “each of us can cultivate will¬ingness; a willingness to be open to experiences both new and old, be they physical or meta-physical, without struggling against the experiences but rather by simply having them; to actually begin to live fully in our minds, in our bodies and most importantly in the moment.”

No Longer At Odds with Everything

“As you do so,” The Voice says, “You may begin to feel more clearly life’s pleasures and pains.”

The Voice says clearly and succinctly, “You may begin to notice that you have avoided your pain, your legitimate suffering, for most of your life and if the truth of the matter were known and clearly understood, you really know very little about it... the pain.”

I found that interesting.

“To heal,” It tells me, “the mind and the body and the soul must study the pain they experiences. When you pay close attention to your pains, you will notice several kinds of pain—that which comes from unaccustomed postures, activities or thoughts and the pain that arises is a signal that we are sick or have a genuine physical, mental or spiritual problem. What is common to these facets of pain is all pains are a call for direct response and healing action from us.”

Now the complicated Stuff

“However,” the Voice continues, “most often the kinds of pains you encounter in the recovery process are not indications of physical problems. They are the painful, physical manifestations of our emotional, psychological, and spiritual holdings and contractions. Call these pains ‘Our Muscular Armor’. They are areas of your body that you have tightened over and over in painful situations as a way to protect yourself from life's inevitable difficulties. As you sit still and notice, your shoulders, your back, your jaw, or your neck may hurt.

Accumulated knots in the fabric of our body, previously undetected, begin to reveal themselves as you begin to open to the process. This is also true in meditation as well. As you become conscious of the pain you have held, you may also notice feelings, memories, or images connected spe¬cifically to each area of tension.

As you gradually include in your awareness all that you have previously shut out and neglected, the oddity of the situation is your body heals. Learning to work with this opening is part of the Art of Recovery. There are spiritual principles for recovery and it is wise to know them if you are to proceed.”

Chapter Nine

Finally, things seem to be coming to completion.

I’ve got my cataloguing done. I’ve made my lists. And I have become willing to fix whatever it is that needs to be fixed.

“I’m ready!” I shout from beside the mystical stream. “I’m ready.”

I am also very much in a hurry.

Understatement!

“Let’s just get this thing done so I can get on with the rest of my life,” I say to myself under my breath.

Now, before anything else happens, I’ll just start to get in touch with some of those lost souls I may have trudged upon and say “I’m sorry.” I’ll knock off a few names tonight and then a few tomorrow and it will be done in no time. Right!

I feel a Presence with me now. Neither male nor female, that Presence just seems to be here filling some unseen space and Its other quality at this moment is that it is silent.

But I can feel It.

My newfound friend and guide ask me where I’m going. I tell him that I am off just to get a few names ticked off the list and done before nightfall.

He says, “Slow down. This is not what you may think it is. This is not wham bam thank you and I’m sorry ma’am. This is a process of setting things to right. So, sorry does not really enter into it unless it is something that is really necessary. Remember, every case is different. Sometimes you can't do anything at all. This is not about causing more harm to you or anyone else … this is just about setting things right, sometimes you just have to leave it be, as it is, and let God deal with it.”

Wise advice.