Chapter Eleven

So as I begin to move into the many tomorrows of the rest of my life, I notice that I have come out of a dream-like state, one that I had been in for most of my life. Odd, being out here in the real world. I notice that I look forward to the day ahead of me. Imagine that, looking forward to what is next.

Strange thoughts for a person like me.

So I tidy myself up just a little and turn my focus inward to my Higher Power; I sort of combine prayer, conversation and meditation.

I just take the time to notice and acknowledge that my God is now a part of my life and that I am part of Its Expression of the universe. So as I acknowledge my place in God’s creation, I take the time to ask any questions about my life that I feel I need guidance on. I toss these thoughts out into the ring and just leave them for God to deal with in Its own good time. It is sort of like a spiritual morning shower, it refreshing.

I close my eyes and turn my thoughts to My Creator.

Acknowledging the sacredness of all things and of all people, I ask simple things like:

 What would you have me do today?

 Or, how can I be one of your instruments today?

 Place before me what you would have me do and with your strength and wisdom at my side I will do my very best to do what needs to be done.

I notice that as I talk with my God in this fashion He actually answers me.

I notice something else that if I offer thankfulness for the as-of-yet immature day it becomes just a little nicer place to be, no matter what happens.

I no longer feel alone.

I seem to get answers to questions that previously baffled me, and things actually get done that used to overwhelm me. Sometimes it’s the garbage that needs to be taken out. Sometimes, my job seems to be instrumental in saving a soul or two, and then it’s just life saving 101. It is only what I do, but more importantly, I do it for and with God. I never did that before. Now it is the way of things.

I simply do whatever is next, and it is not my agenda any longer. I can now live comfortably with me not trying to prove and re-prove who it is that I thought I was.

I notice I have forgiven. Oh, it was never ok that what happened actually happened to me, but that doesn’t matter anymore. I’ve unhooked from the past and all the energy I had invested in protecting me from a world I thought would destroy me ——the ghosts of Xmas past.

I never really noticed this until now. And I am not too sure when that release happened. But it did, and I am thankful for it.

I now know that if I want to understand my innocence, I need to ask for the willingness to forgive.