Family Systems Approaches

Family systems approaches, including those advocated by treatment centres attempt to unearth and catalogue the unspoken rules that govern dysfunctional families. That is when various family members have to learn to adapt and change their life style to avoid the acting out of the prime stressor; some of the most common adaptations fall under three basic categories:

·       Don't talk,

·       Don't trust,

·       Don't feel.  

These rules basically layout all the prohibitions about speaking out honestly about the problem and/or one's feelings within the system.  Understanding that acceptance is a necessary need and if one is to be accepted in the family or system then these unspoken rules must be obeyed. The oddity is if you don’t follow these rules you are seen as a deviant by the other system members and treated accordingly.

There are hundreds of variations on a theme of roles that can develop as subgroups under those umbrella categories:

Caretaker, The Bully, People-Pleaser, Workaholic, Martyr, Perfectionist, Tap Dancer, Lost Child, Enabler, Gad Fly, The Clown, The Scapegoat, The Rebel, The Good Guy/Nice Guy, The Parent, The Hero, The Mediator, The Charmer, The Victim, The Offender, The Addict, The Healer, The Organizer, The Prophet, The Queen Bee and The Odd duck Role. 

This is the short list. 

These roles are all self-defeating behaviors that are greatly exaggerated and complicated by a pathological relationship to anyone who fills the role of prime stressor within the system ... These roles will, over all diminish our capacity to initiate and or be able to participate in loving relationships.

Our Life Is Like A Dream

So, to come to understand our life story ... basically, the reason why we are here ... our purpose if you like; we have to remember one important detail:

Our Life Is Like A Dream.

Everything in our universe is within the spaciousness of our consciousness.

Our life is based on a series of choices we need to make based on our perception of what we think is happening in our world so that we are able to return our mind to appreciating who we really are ... not necessarily who we think we are and at the same time not get lost in the melodrama of the moment. Long sentence eh ...

That sounds so simple. Sounds simple but it is one of the more difficult things you will have to do on your spiritual journey.

There is no real reason why our lives should be controlled by anything ... let alone fear and the basic half truths and lies most of us have had tossed our way during the course of our journey.

If we recover our ability of being in charge of our life as it unfolds that gives us the ability and power to create and co create a life of love and beauty. We become spiritual artists. We create how things are. We become co creators with the Creator and more importantly we are not twisted by how life sometimes appears to be or appears in someone else’s opinion.

Once we realise that everyone sooner or later will end up at the same spot in the universe; that we are all Just One appearing to be the many; then the belief in false truths as gospel will simply be rubbish and vanish. They will no longer be needed to offset our fears.

The important thing is that you get to fulfil God’s only wish for you ... To Be Happy ... the real question is: what are you  going to do with the life God gave you ... are you going to do something with it or is it going to do something with you ... you have a choice now ...

What is your choice?

There Was A Time In My Life

There was a time in my life when I hung out with people who were ‘on the path.’ They appeared to be people who at least said they wanted to want God.

In 1979 I was an Associate Director of Student Services at Twin Valleys School, (TVS) Wardsville Ontario; an alternative to the penal system for young offenders; also known as a Spiritual Community (loosely aligned with Findhorn). It was here that I discovered that I really did not know anything. I also discovered that knowing you don’t know is handier then believing you know what you think you know. Before I came to The Valley I firmly believed that I knew a few things.  It was a shock to discover that I didn’t ... but it was true, I didn’t. 

After my sojourn at The Valley I set out to find my way in the world, and more importantly, for me to find me through my experiences in & with the world. I knew that I had lost me someplace out there in the mess of things I called my life and stepping back into the world from The Valley was a scary thing to do. The worldly experiences on the surface supplied little or no support for coming to terms with God being ever present in my life or for that matter; who the hell I was? In fact from my experience, the worldly experiences only seemed to prove the converse to be true, especially when considering the proportions being tossed at me and how I was experiencing/perceiving it.

What I discovered next was that my own true needs, my internal/spiritual needs, essentially had to be on solid ground and they weren’t, this is probably the most important lesson I learned. I had things backwards. I had placed a lot of effort on my external needs, the ones that I desperately believed I needed.

What I learned basically was to live in two places at the same time ... being in spiritual connectedness ... and at the same time ... being a spiritual conduit ... very difficult to do. It is one of those things that as soon as you think about it it’s gone, so it is totally a subjective experience. You can’t be in your head about it; you can only do it without thinking about it. 

One of the biggest lessons that surfaced out of all this for me is that Love, Unconditional Love has all the reality there truly is. All the rest of it is just window dressing, melodrama and misdirection. That was one of the important lessons that came from TVS, but it took years to fall into place for me ... 

You Can’t Fake Unconditional Love

Especially With A Kid

They Know Better

They’ll Call You On Your Stuff Every Time

All We Need To Do ... Is Listen ...

On Dodging Fear

Fear of the unknown.

Of what I will find.

Of what I will discover.

Fear of judgment.

Judgment by others.

Judgment of myself.

When fear first strikes,

It is paralyzing.

Freezing me in my tracks.

It keeps me stuck.

Afraid to move forward.

Scared to go backward.

Frozen in time.

Fear.

It's a signal of danger.

A warning to be careful.

A sign something is wrong.

Take care.

Be aware.

Fear is near.

But I am strong.

It won't keep me stuck.

I know it's there.

I don't care.

I have a life to live.

I'll get past it.

Sometimes, I tip toe around it until it subsides.

Sometimes, I sneak up on it, catching it off guard, then breezing by.

Sometimes, I acknowledge it and walk right past it.

Sometimes, I ignore it, pretending it's not there.

Sometimes, I take a deep breath, jump into it, and force my way through.

Fear.

It won't keep me stuck.

It won't keep me frozen.

I've learned that getting past fear is risky, painful, and scary.

But, often, just past fear is a world of self-discovery and growth.

A world of new found dreams and possibilities.

A world of hope.

Fear is a beacon signaling growth ahead.

So, I find a way to dodge fear.

            By Mary Pudmoreff

Zen and the Art of the 5 Principles

22

As I walked with the others I discovered was that there were more than simple rules.

As I walked with the others one of the things that I discovered was that as well as simple rules there are simple exercises that each of us can do to con­vey a feeling of willingness from our conscious selves¾our egotistical selves¾to our Spiritual Selves or Higher Power. 

One of the other discoveries I made on this trek was all that I had to do was to ask, “What’s Next That You Would Have Me Do?” and the other prerequisite is that I mean it as I ask it.  Whatever that was, would present itself in some fashion before me to be done and all that I wound have to do is get on with doing whatever is next before me.

The oddity is that by me doing so it is a clear message that demonstrates my willingness to do whatever it is that is necessary to get on with being healthy. 

Not just as an abstract idea, but as an experience.

The concept of subjective and experiential is crucial. 

Out Of The Head And Into The Heart

One Of The Longer Journeys

Anyone One Of Us Will Ever Make

Oh God … What Will I Have To Do Next? …

I Am Trying To Remember, That This Is Only What I Have To Do … But Will It Be Fun???


“Next” cried the conductor, as if he were saying “all-a-board” … What is next for you?

A Controller Doesn't Trust

A controller doesn't trust his/her ability to live through the pain and chaos of life. There is no life without pain just as there is no art without submitting to chaos.
--Rita Mae Brown

It is very hard for most of us to see how controlling we are. We may feel uptight or careful, but we haven't seen it as controlling ourselves or controlling how people respond to us. We may be worried about a loved one's behaviour or safety, but not realize our hovering over that person is a controlling activity. We may be keenly aware of other people's controlling behaviour with us, but unaware we have equalled their control by monitoring them and trying to change their behaviour.

What a moment of spiritual adventure it is to risk living through the pain! When we do not seek an escape or a quick fix but have patience with the process, new possibilities often do develop. We can only let go of our control - or turn it over to our Higher Power. And we will do it and forget, taking control back within minutes or within an hour. Then we let go again.

Today, I will submit to the insecurity of a changing universe and have faith that I can live through the process and grow.


from Hazelden Thought of the Week

Zen and the Art of Walking Lightly -- Ch 7

7

Ask Yourself Whether You Are Happy? Then Notice That When You Do, You Cease To Be So ¾ The Laws Of Paradox At Work!

A long time ago, long before I ever considered writing these lines, I made an interesting discovery.  At the time of making it, it was more of an observation than a discovery. It took all the intervening time for me to realize I had made a discovery, I suppose it was the slowest epiphany on record. 

What I also discovered was that most people have been aware of this phenomenon since the dawn of time. 

Yet, I think the word discovery is appropriate, because even though it was well known, I had never come across it described or theoretically explained in any of the psychology, sociological, philosophical or psychiatric literature I had studied over the years: which in my case primarily happens to be psychology. 

So, directly or indirectly, or intentionally or unintentionally, I spent the intervening 20 or so years, nearly a quarter century, investigating this elusive phenomenon, through the facility of my practice of psychotherapy.

Here is the observation I had noticed a long time ago; happiness is not something that happens randomly.  This thing has form and it follows rules and they seem to be:

· Happiness does not happen because of good luck or because the fickle finger of fate picks you out for some grand event.  No one is special and conversely no one is non-special. 

· Happiness is not something that can be purchased nor can it be controlled or for that matter caused to occur on command by some grand authority.  Although many have tried.

· Happiness does not depend on the world about us, although conversely the world about us can affect some of the various outcomes of its occurrences.

· Happiness seems to be more an interpretation of the world both about us and within us, with all of this being taken in some sort of strange mix or recipe that is constantly changing and is difficult to replicate.  The formula might not work the second time the way it did the first time.

· Happiness, in fact, seems to be a condition that we must be prepared for, that we must cultivate and nurture, and then be prepared, if necessary to de­fend, but not from a place of unity but rather from a place of deep privacy¾as an individual. 

· The variations on the happiness formulas seem to be more effective with those people who have learned to work with inner experience(s). It seems that they will, to a certain degree, be able to determine the quality of their lives as it relates to having or not having happiness.

· The ability to determine the having or not having of the presence of happiness seems to be as close as any of us can come to causing happy to happen.  It can be a conscious decision to be or not to be, pardon the pun, but not always.

· It also seems a given that we cannot reach happiness by consciously searching for it.  The very effort of trying to search for it seems to defeat our every effort to have or possess it.  Happiness cannot be owned; it can only be experienced.

· Happiness seems to be the process of being fully involved with every detail of your life, subjectively not objectively. 

· The key statement in describing the process of being involved in life seems to be as completely as possible, and completely as possible does not seem to depend on any opinion or definition of what is good or bad or how those cognitive markers of good or bad are held in the mind of the beholder.  Just because you are prepared to fight to the death for your beliefs doesn’t mean they are true.

· Happiness seems to occur because of the intensity of the involvement with life and not in the outcomes that intensity seems to want to provide so that it could be easily seen and judged by others. 

· Degree of intensity of the involvement necessary to induce happiness will vary from individual to individual as well as from situation-to-situation.  Thus it follows that degrees of intensity i.e. very intense to mildly intense are not markers that can determine the outcome of creating happiness.  It is just a necessary factor that varies from time to time. 

· The Laws Of Paradox seems to affect the outcome of having some or not; for instance: don't aim for it because the Laws Of Paradox will tend to cause you to increase the size and shape of the target you have set for yourself and then at the same time cause you to miss with greater frequency.  Something like Chinese handcuffs, the harder you try the more difficult it becomes. 

· Happiness and success cannot be pursued for their own sake.

· Happiness and success, to be most effective must sneak up from behind and envelop us ... It is something that happens to us while we are busy doing something else … as the inadvertent, unintentional after-effect of our efforts to simply get on with the business of being ourselves and by doing whatever is next simply because it is there and needs to be done.  Then this seems to need to be taken into consideration with the effort made by the individual to be willing to work in the shadow of his or her spiritual self and then deliberately attempting to work with the spiritual forces of the Greater Way of Things.

· Again paradox.  The Art of Trying Not to Try.

· So how can we reach this elusive goal that cannot be attained by a direct route?  My practice and practices of the past 20 or so years has convinced me that there is a way. 

· It is a circuitous path of going nowhere the long way in search of someone who was not lost and there all along … You. And it can only begin with a willingness by the participant to want to make the journey.

 

1)               Describe how comfortable or confined you are in your present ­shell.

            2)              When did you "crab" last (if you remember ever doing so)?

            3)              What circumstances helped you to do this?

            4)              How close are you to the next casting of your shell, or "crabbing"? 

            5)              What do you need, or need to do or have happen, in order to do this?

Some Observations On “The Same And Different”, Now That We Know We Are In A Shell Game

In our lives we remain the same in some ways and we change in others. 

1)               As you look back over your life, as a child, as a youth, and now as an adult, how have you been the same all your life?

2)              How were you different during those periods of your life, as a child, a youth, an adult, and now? 

3)      What were the circumstances that helped bring these differences into being?

Remember:

You Don’t Make Things Different

By Keeping Them The Same