1 Control Is Bred In Fear

One must be in control of all interactions, feelings and personal behaviour at all times. This is the primary tenant for all systems that are managed by covert and dysfunctional rules.

Control is a defensive strategy. The Strategy has gone awry … it has missed the mark … but … if it is all that I have then I will use it … if I use it then it will become my habit … as it becomes my habit, I will call it normal … if it becomes the working definition of my normal then I will hope against hope that my way works because, and here is the important part, I am not about to try anyone else’s way or use anyone else’s rules.

This rule is supposed to protect me/us from the shame … the origin of this shame is actually from my deeper sense of a lost and ruptured self. But, here is why the strategy of control really can’t work …

My effort with control is to attempt to stop all the outside influences from being themselves and reminding or triggering me into my sense of self-rupture.

I want to sense being both feeling safe and secure.

There is a deep need from within me to feel that way. My attempts to do so tend to elude me no matter how hard I try or for that matter how often I try with the misbegotten tools I have acquired.

I want to both feel safe and feel better; but my very effort to do so defeats me every time I try.

The problem is that once you enter into the process of controlling your feelings, your actions, controlling what the family can and can’t do, how the office is going to be run etc … then all spontaneity is lost with the system.

Know this: It is a shame evoking process to attempt to protect you from shame via control.

It sort of follows the bumper sticker idea of planning your spontaneity Is Not A Fun Thing To Do, it can be an interesting pass-time to enter into but not fun!

Control really does not serve a practical function. The function it does serve really is an attempt to prevent from happening what cannot be prevented. It is all about the Ghosts of Christmas Past, and it comes from trying to find a way to interact with life without coming out of hiding and being real.

Control has an addictive quality to it.

In the application of the facility called control, it gives the beholder a sense of power; there seems to be a sort of surreal sense of predictability and security that wants to spin off from the situation as the control is applied. It gives the beholder a high. Not that it ever really works for extended periods of time, it doesn’t.

It is just there and seemingly wants to jump in to the ring and make us feel better ― temporarily. Did you hear just how close that one came to actually doing something for us and still missed the mark?

Again as mentioned before, temporarily, is the key word here ― only temporarily!

Controlling all … is in and of itself … a form of severe disability of the will.

It has some of the same qualities as a shark feeding proudly upon itself … in frenzy … Just Look What I Can Do it says taking another mouth full of self … not realizing that this is a form of a disease and if left to its own devices … over time … will consume the beholder.

This is pointed out in Lesley Farber’s book Ways of the Will… the disabled Will wants to will away what cannot be willed away … all life’s little twists and turns and its total unpredictabil¬ity (no matter who the guru is that says he or she can actually support you in making them go away).

It is a key and a clue to what it was really like to be a kid at your house …

Know this: Control is bred in fear … no other place … just fear. Once formed it drives us to avoid the fear like the plague … Control is our sword and shield … if it is all we think we have … then that is all we can do.