Family Systems Approaches

Family systems approaches, including those advocated by treatment centres attempt to unearth and catalogue the unspoken rules that govern dysfunctional families. That is when various family members have to learn to adapt and change their life style to avoid the acting out of the prime stressor; some of the most common adaptations fall under three basic categories:

·       Don't talk,

·       Don't trust,

·       Don't feel.  

These rules basically layout all the prohibitions about speaking out honestly about the problem and/or one's feelings within the system.  Understanding that acceptance is a necessary need and if one is to be accepted in the family or system then these unspoken rules must be obeyed. The oddity is if you don’t follow these rules you are seen as a deviant by the other system members and treated accordingly.

There are hundreds of variations on a theme of roles that can develop as subgroups under those umbrella categories:

Caretaker, The Bully, People-Pleaser, Workaholic, Martyr, Perfectionist, Tap Dancer, Lost Child, Enabler, Gad Fly, The Clown, The Scapegoat, The Rebel, The Good Guy/Nice Guy, The Parent, The Hero, The Mediator, The Charmer, The Victim, The Offender, The Addict, The Healer, The Organizer, The Prophet, The Queen Bee and The Odd duck Role. 

This is the short list. 

These roles are all self-defeating behaviors that are greatly exaggerated and complicated by a pathological relationship to anyone who fills the role of prime stressor within the system ... These roles will, over all diminish our capacity to initiate and or be able to participate in loving relationships.

Our Life Is Like A Dream

So, to come to understand our life story ... basically, the reason why we are here ... our purpose if you like; we have to remember one important detail:

Our Life Is Like A Dream.

Everything in our universe is within the spaciousness of our consciousness.

Our life is based on a series of choices we need to make based on our perception of what we think is happening in our world so that we are able to return our mind to appreciating who we really are ... not necessarily who we think we are and at the same time not get lost in the melodrama of the moment. Long sentence eh ...

That sounds so simple. Sounds simple but it is one of the more difficult things you will have to do on your spiritual journey.

There is no real reason why our lives should be controlled by anything ... let alone fear and the basic half truths and lies most of us have had tossed our way during the course of our journey.

If we recover our ability of being in charge of our life as it unfolds that gives us the ability and power to create and co create a life of love and beauty. We become spiritual artists. We create how things are. We become co creators with the Creator and more importantly we are not twisted by how life sometimes appears to be or appears in someone else’s opinion.

Once we realise that everyone sooner or later will end up at the same spot in the universe; that we are all Just One appearing to be the many; then the belief in false truths as gospel will simply be rubbish and vanish. They will no longer be needed to offset our fears.

The important thing is that you get to fulfil God’s only wish for you ... To Be Happy ... the real question is: what are you  going to do with the life God gave you ... are you going to do something with it or is it going to do something with you ... you have a choice now ...

What is your choice?

There Was A Time In My Life

There was a time in my life when I hung out with people who were ‘on the path.’ They appeared to be people who at least said they wanted to want God.

In 1979 I was an Associate Director of Student Services at Twin Valleys School, (TVS) Wardsville Ontario; an alternative to the penal system for young offenders; also known as a Spiritual Community (loosely aligned with Findhorn). It was here that I discovered that I really did not know anything. I also discovered that knowing you don’t know is handier then believing you know what you think you know. Before I came to The Valley I firmly believed that I knew a few things.  It was a shock to discover that I didn’t ... but it was true, I didn’t. 

After my sojourn at The Valley I set out to find my way in the world, and more importantly, for me to find me through my experiences in & with the world. I knew that I had lost me someplace out there in the mess of things I called my life and stepping back into the world from The Valley was a scary thing to do. The worldly experiences on the surface supplied little or no support for coming to terms with God being ever present in my life or for that matter; who the hell I was? In fact from my experience, the worldly experiences only seemed to prove the converse to be true, especially when considering the proportions being tossed at me and how I was experiencing/perceiving it.

What I discovered next was that my own true needs, my internal/spiritual needs, essentially had to be on solid ground and they weren’t, this is probably the most important lesson I learned. I had things backwards. I had placed a lot of effort on my external needs, the ones that I desperately believed I needed.

What I learned basically was to live in two places at the same time ... being in spiritual connectedness ... and at the same time ... being a spiritual conduit ... very difficult to do. It is one of those things that as soon as you think about it it’s gone, so it is totally a subjective experience. You can’t be in your head about it; you can only do it without thinking about it. 

One of the biggest lessons that surfaced out of all this for me is that Love, Unconditional Love has all the reality there truly is. All the rest of it is just window dressing, melodrama and misdirection. That was one of the important lessons that came from TVS, but it took years to fall into place for me ... 

You Can’t Fake Unconditional Love

Especially With A Kid

They Know Better

They’ll Call You On Your Stuff Every Time

All We Need To Do ... Is Listen ...

On Dodging Fear

Fear of the unknown.

Of what I will find.

Of what I will discover.

Fear of judgment.

Judgment by others.

Judgment of myself.

When fear first strikes,

It is paralyzing.

Freezing me in my tracks.

It keeps me stuck.

Afraid to move forward.

Scared to go backward.

Frozen in time.

Fear.

It's a signal of danger.

A warning to be careful.

A sign something is wrong.

Take care.

Be aware.

Fear is near.

But I am strong.

It won't keep me stuck.

I know it's there.

I don't care.

I have a life to live.

I'll get past it.

Sometimes, I tip toe around it until it subsides.

Sometimes, I sneak up on it, catching it off guard, then breezing by.

Sometimes, I acknowledge it and walk right past it.

Sometimes, I ignore it, pretending it's not there.

Sometimes, I take a deep breath, jump into it, and force my way through.

Fear.

It won't keep me stuck.

It won't keep me frozen.

I've learned that getting past fear is risky, painful, and scary.

But, often, just past fear is a world of self-discovery and growth.

A world of new found dreams and possibilities.

A world of hope.

Fear is a beacon signaling growth ahead.

So, I find a way to dodge fear.

            By Mary Pudmoreff