SHAME GENERATING MESSAGES AND BEHAVIOURS

Here is a brief list of statements that taps into just how shame messages and behaviours can affect individuals ...

Deficiency Messages:

• “You are Not Good.”

• “You are Not Good Enough.”

• “You Don’t Belong.”

• “You are Not Lovable”

• “You are Not Worth Listening too.”

• “You are Not Worth My Time.”

Sub Set of the Deficiency Message

• Physical or sexual abuse

• Parental Neglect or Disinterest

• Secret Keeping

• Abandonment and Betrayal Themes

• Control through withdrawal of Love

• Control through Shaming

• Emphasis on being Perfect

• Parents being deeply shamed themselves 

Answer These Questions In Your Journal

• My father thought I was a bad person:

• My father thought I was the cause of his problems:

• My mother thought I was a bad person:

• My mother thought I was the cause of her problems:

• I was never good enough to please my mother... my father? ...

• There were times when I felt my parents did not want me in the family?

• I was never sure if my parents loved me?

• There were times when I felt unsafe at my house?

• I didn’t think my parents were interested in me, what I wanted or what I did?

• Other people’s opinions were very important to my parents ... and not mine?

• My mom and dad had and kept a lot of secrets?

• I often feared they would abandon me?

• My parents would threaten to withdraw their love from me if I was bad?

• My parents often said shaming things to me for my behaviour ... Shame On You ... or ... You Should Be Ashamed Of Yourself ... Look what you have done now?

• My parents expected me to be Perfect all the time?

• My mother and father were deeply ashamed of themselves?