A Story Of An Awakening

A Story Of An Awakening
Taken from Zen and the Art of Walking Lightly
Published Bright Star Canada
Amazon.com

Let me set the stage a bit.

• We are born.

• We come onto the face of this planet and into this world.

• Our parents and family have hopes and aspirations for us.

• We have God given talents, wants, likes and dislikes.

• We have gender.

• We have thought.

• We have vision. Or at least so we think.

Ideally, through our infancy, we are totally dependent on others for everything. Just as it should be, and as a result we became totally dependable for others infants (our children primarily) as they move through their initiation period childhood and out into their adulthood.

Next, life’s design seems to want to preserve itself; the physical seems first and foremost on the agenda.

This is accomplished by doing things like avoiding violence, if possible, or at least minimizing it, or providing food, shelter and clothing for ourselves.

Preserving the Self is a life long process but as we become efficient at doing so some of us naturally come to a point where we awaken onto ourselves. Not into us, but onto us, there is a difference.

It seems clear that this awakening process is twofold.

Our deeper eyes open one at a time.

At The First Awakening, one eye opens and then it sees. It sees pain, it sees happiness, it sees injustice and fairness, it sees good fortune and bad, and for a period of time what it sees is overwhelming. Each of us comes with a built in remedy; this onboard system is designed to cushion the load of First Sight. It’s called the Ego.

The Ego:

• has a job.

• defines everything for us.

• fits things into slots.

• claims to understand things, that if you really think about it, aren't really so understandable. Note, we feel safer when we think we understand something.

• sets up our belief and disbelief systems. They are separate systems and the latter is probably more powerful then the first.

• sets out how we can get those childhood dependency needs met. The needs that in a perfect world would have been met in childhood. Way back when we were supposed to be properly dependent upon properly dependable people.

• becomes our sword and shield.

But over time as the Ego evolves it generally sets into motion a series of events or a set of circumstances that bring us back to our unfinished spiritual business.

It does this because it believes it Knows, and this appearing to Know seems to be accidental not coincidental.

This is referred to as the coincidence of Karma.

The Ego should not be given credit for bringing us back to our unfinished business because this process of facing our unfinished business is often as not, the very thing the ego was trying to protect and shield us from. Why?

• The ego is an effect not a cause.

Lama Guendun Rinpoche writes:

Happiness is not to be found with many efforts or will

But is here, nearby, in your relaxing and surrendering.

Don't worry; there is nothing to be done.

Everything that comes up to your mind has no importance because it has no reality.

Don't conceive any attachment for it.

Don't judge yourself.

Let it be.

Let it come up and down without changing a thing.

It all vanishes and begins again, endlessly.

Nothing but the quest for happiness prevents us from seeing it.

It is like a rainbow that one is always chasing without ever reaching it.

It is because it has no existence.

It has always been here and goes with you all the time.

Don't believe in the reality of experiences, good or bad.

They are like rainbows.

Because we want to grasp what is not to be grasped,

We exhaust our strength in vain.

As soon as we relinquish our hold, space is here, open, welcoming and; comfortable.

So, do enjoy it.

Everything is yours already.

Stop searching.

Don't go into the jungle to look for the elephant that is quietly waiting for you at home.

There is nothing to do.

There is nothing to force.

There is nothing to desire.

And all comes by itself.

Exercise

The Exercise -
Lists Of Things That I Do

There are things that we can do that can make us feel more alive. Basically we have to choose to do them. In doing them, we tend to have periods when we forget everything else, we get out of our minds, even if it is just for short spaces in time, it matters not. It is refreshing just to be somewhere else consciously.

Depending on who we are and where we are and what we have access to, all sorts of things can be a part of this happening for us. Everything or anything from skiing to sex to meditation to doing dishes can be the cause. It really does not matter. The point is, at the conclusion of the exercise we may feel tired, but it is a good tired. We have reached a place within us where we optimized our experience. We enjoyed what we did, and felt like we grew just a little bit because of the experience.

• List those activities that set this in motion for you.

• Think well into your past as well as in the present.

• Take your time.

Considering that everything in the universe is in balance, then there must be an opposite pole to balance the above idea. Next consider those experiences that tend to deaden or bore you, that tend to leave you feeling “dragged-out” and tired, listless.

Most would think that it is an understatement to suggest that we would avoid these activities or would prefer not to do them but we engage in them for other covert reasons. For some of us they stand as bastions of complacent contempt, a place familiar, not likeable, just familiar and therefore seemingly safe.

The Rules Of The Exercise

As you begin to examine the various activities you may find that the various activities may seem to want to change from list to list, it is ok to do that, just let the various lists develop as you work on the exercise.

List all those activities that make you feel less vital and all those activities that make you feel alive.

Make two columns, A & B.

Again, think well back into the past as well as the present.

Take your time.

Next

1) Define for yourself how much conscious effort you have made in your most recent past¾the last six months say¾to re shape your world into the place that is full of “more alive” and contains less of “dragged out”

Now Comes The Work. Be Honest.

Remember You Can’t Make Things Different By Keeping Them The Same.

2) Describe those efforts you have made to change your life in this direction.

3) What is it in you that resists your effort to reshape your life?

4) What is it inside of you that prevents you from reshaping your life?

5) What is it outside of you that prevents you from reshaping your life? Don’t blame others, just be honest with yourself.

6) So ask yourself: why do you not spend more time with the "A" list and why can’t you spend less time on your "B" list?

Tom Harvey's Rule on Patience

When you think you have been patient

for as long as you can be patient ...

THAT IS WHEN YOU PRACTICE PATIENCE

The Judge

To be in a place of judgement ... Judging ... The Judge ... one has to consider themselves superior over those who are being judged.


When you are in a place of self-judgement then your house is divided against itself. That, oddly enough, becomes a classic expression of ego vs spirit. It is in the resolution of that conflict that becomes an expression of spiritual growth.

To resolve this, we have to overcome the false beliefs we have picked up along the way and settle with life’s truths being what they are ... not what we want them to be.

“We” all go through this. It’s normal, not fun, but normal.

“We” judge ourselves in a vain attempt to support pre existing conditions set out in the false beliefs we learned and were passed to us by toxic significant others in our lives. These hand me downs are sometimes referred to as “my” truths. Most often as naught, the truths that we are depending on and calling true are not even close to being true.

One of life’s conundrums is our outer world has to be in balance with our inner world. When it’s not, we have to bring things into balance; by bringing my inner world into line with my outer world. The easiest way to do this is to drag down my outer world to match my feelings about my inner world. Doing this explains why we feel so terrible about ourselves. So if we blow it in some way we have the reason for those crappy feelings in the here and now, rather than looking into hurts and pains of my childhood abandonment issues.

The false believes were passed on to us by those who were caught in the same situation we are and who had no idea what to do with it other than give it to someone else and hope that they can solve the problem.

We are here to live life to the fullest

We are here to live life to the fullest.

Simple statement...

True Statement...

One problem is; if you try to live it to the fullest without a relationship with spirit, then the whole process becomes an impossibility.

Why?

Because one of the primary ingredients is missing, when you try to do this all by yourself ...

You sink into a hell of your own making ...

And rather quickly too.

No matter how well intentioned you are ... you sink.

Try seeing it from spirit’s prospective;

It is very hard to save someone who is reluctant to be saved ...

You have to be willing ...

Willing to be open ...

Willing to be in the open ...

And

Willing to interact with spirit

And Then

Follow.

Simple but True

69 On Seeing Clearly Perhaps for the First Time

EXPERIENCE has taught us that the process of no longer using any mind-changing, mood-altering devices (chemicals, or otherwise) can induce a twisted form of thinking for the first while. This twisted form of thinking sets into motion a false belief that the worst is over (this is called the pink cloud effect) and that all our problems are fixed.

Not true, but . . . well, not really true is a better way to try to describe it. If we really stopped and thought about it, not really is not even close to the truth of the matter, but we have taken a step in the right direction, finally. More land mines up ahead, though.

The truth is, life’s conundrum has just changed faces. It just sits there in another form, waiting, like a huge, silent demon, waiting and wanting to control everything in our lives that it can.

Quietly It Waits.

. . . You Stumble . . .

. . . It Stirs And Smiles . . .

Yet Again.

Extracted from Experience Has Taught Us, 175 Missing Pieces ... Published Bright Star Press 2000 ... Author Neil Douglas Tubb ...

68 On Seeing Clearly Perhaps for the First Time

EXPERIENCE has taught us that all who enter this territory of willing exploration and recovery have to, sooner or later, put down their devices of mood alteration.

These devices may be some variation on chemical or substance use, or they may be activities that we do as part of our daily rituals, or they may be people with whom we are in relationships. Still, they are devices that we use either overtly or covertly to mood-alter, and they stand between us and our escape from the prison of our minds.

The Key Is Always In The Hand Of The Seeker.

Extracted from Experience Has Taught Us, 175 Missing Pieces ... Published Bright Star Press 2000 ... Author Neil Douglas Tubb ...

67 On Seeing Clearly Perhaps for the First Time

EXPERIENCE has taught us that when we cover our pain with cognitive insights we lose sight of what really needs to happen for us to heal or to come to a place of spiritual completion.

It is a fact that most people are well into their recovery processes before they truly begin doing the “feeling work.” For some it takes years to come to this place. Unfortunately, some never reach this place within themselves. The search for cognitive insight into why is often the culprit that keeps most lost in their private little prisons avoiding the feelings they need to process in order to escape the prison walls that confine them.

They are both their own gatekeeper and keeper of the keys.

There Are Signs, Posters, And Slogans That Are Put On Walls At Some Of The Various Recovery Group Meetings, And One Says:

THINK

THINK

THINK

Translated, This Means:

After Three Thinks, Give It Up

You Will Only Hurt Yourself.

Extracted from Experience Has Taught Us, 175 Missing Pieces ... Published Bright Star Press 2000 ... Author Neil Douglas Tubb ...

66 On Seeing Clearly ... Experience Has Taught Us ---175

EXPERIENCE has taught us that as we begin to come from a place of deeper understanding, from a place of connection with a Higher Power or with the Way of Things, we may begin to notice that there are several truths quietly at work in our lives.

First: if we try to escape from life’s situations without allowing them to heal or to come to completion, the need for the completion will rise again someplace else in our lives, sometimes changing its form or appearance, but still being of the same necessity: that’s Karma at work in our lives.

Second: there is a thought that seems almost inconspicuous in all this, yet it is probably one of the more important principles in recovery. It also has a Catch 22 quality to it: what we believe is what we will experience, and healing takes place only in our minds, although it seems to manifest itself in other places as other things outside ourselves. When we remove ourselves from a dilemma without resolving it to the soul’s satisfaction, and thereby avoiding the healing process contained in the resolution of that dilemma, we are not allowing the spiritual forces to prevail. What we are doing is simply mood-altering, and that is avoidance. So the need for the process to take place will follow us around like a lost puppy dog from situation to situation. The circumstances will be recreated again and again as the soul attempts to have us resolve these deeper conflicts it perceives as needing completion. This seems to be The Way of Things.

Third: when you try to fix a situation all by yourself, and you choose to rely only on yourself and your own resources, know this: you are in serious trouble.

The Way of Things is simply to address life with gratitude in our hearts. To face the tasks that arise on the path before us. Then to ask for the guidance we need. Then to allow the healing to come to us.

Put another way:

Round Pegs,

Square Holes,

Larger Mallets

Simply Don’t Work.

Extracted from Experience Has  Taught Us, 175 Missing Pieces ... Published Bright Star Press 2000 ... Author Neil Douglas Tubb ...

Mantra of Recovery

This is Not About Who I am

This is About What Happened to Me

Perfect

Upright

Beautiful

Somedays My Behaviour Stinks

I'm Not My Behaviour

An Open Mind

An Open Heart

And a Willingness to Change ...

However Slight

That's All that is Required 

Then Do the Doing 

A Dream in the Desert ...Olive Schreiner (1920)

I saw a desert and I saw a woman coming out of it. And she came to the bank of a dark river; and the bank was steep and high. And on it an old man met her who had a long white beard; and a stick that curled was in his hand, and on it was written Reason. And he asked her what she wanted; and she said, "I am Woman and I am seeking for the Land of Freedom."

And he said, "It is before you."

And she said, "I see nothing before me but a dark flowing river and bank steep and high, and cuttings here and there with heavy sand in them."

And he said, "And beyond that?"

She said, "I see nothing, but sometimes, when I shade my eyes with my hand, I think I see on the further bank trees and hills, and the sun shining on them!"

He said, "That is the Land of Freedom"

She said, "How am I to get there?"

He said, 'There is one way, and one only. Down the banks of Labour and through the water of Suffering. There is no other."

She said, "Is there no bridge?"

He answered, "None."

She said, Is the water deep?"

He said, "Deep."

She said, "Is the door worn?"

He said, "It is. Your foot may slip at any time, and you may be lost."

She said, "Have any crossed already?"

He said, "Some have tried!"

She said, "Is there a track to show where the best fording is?"

He said, "It has to be made."

She shaded her eyes with her hand; and she said, "I will go."

And he said, "You must take off the clothes you wore in the desert: they are dragged down by them who go into the water so clothed." And she threw from her gladly the mantle of Ancient-received opinions she wore, for it was worn full of holes. And she took the girdle from her waist that she had treasured so long, and the moths flew out of it in a cloud. And he said, "Take the shoes of dependence off your feet."

And she stood there naked, but for one white garment that clung close to her.

And he said, "That you may keep. They wear clothes in the Land Freedom. In the water it buoys; it always swims."

And I saw on its breast was written Truth; and it was white; the sun had not often shone on it; the other clothes had covered it up. And he said, "Take this stick; hold it fast. In that day when it slips from your hand you are lost. Put it down before you; feel your way: where it cannot find a bottom do not set your foot"

And she said, "I am ready; let me go."

And he said, "No--but stay; what is that at your breast?"

She was silent.

He said, "Open it, and let me see."

And she opened her garment. And against her breast was a tiny thing, who drink from it, and the yellow curls above his forehead pressed against it; and his knees were drawn up to her, and he held her breast fast his hands.

And Reason said, "Who is he and what is he doing here?"

And she said, "See his little wings . . "

And Reason said, "Put him down."

And she said, "He is asleep, and he is drinking! I will carry him to the Land of Freedom. He has been a child so long, so long, I have carried him. In the Land of Freedom he will be a man. We will walk together there, and his great white wings will overshadow me. He has lisped one word only to me in the desert -- "Passion!" I have dreamed he might learn to say 'friendship' in that land."

And Reason said, "Put him down!"

And she said, "I will carry him so-with one arm, and with the other I fight the water."

He said, "Lay him down on the ground. When you are in the water you forget to fight, you will think only of him. Lay him down." He said, "He will not die. When he finds you have left him alone he will open his wings and fly. He will be in the Land of Freedom before you. Those who reach the Land of Freedom, the first hand they see stretching down the bank to them shall be Love's. He will be a man then, not a child.

At your breast he cannot move; put him down that he may grow."

And she took her bosom from his mouth, and he bit her so that the blood ran down onto the ground. And she laid him down on the earth; she covered her wound. And she bent and stroked his wings. And I saw the hair on her forehead turned white as snow, and she had changed from youth to age.

And she stood far off on the bank of the river. And she said, "For what do I go to this far land which no one has ever reached? Oh, I am alone! I am utterly alone!"

And Reason, that old man, said to her, "Silence! What do you hear?"

And she listened intently, and she said, "I hear a sound of feet, a thousand times ten thousand and thousands of thousands, and they beat this way!"

He said, "They are the feet of those that shall follow you. Lead on! Make a track to the water's edge! Where you stand now, the ground shall be beaten flat by ten thousand times ten thousand feet." And he said, "Have you seen the locusts how they cross a stream? First one comes down to the water's edge, and it is swept away, and then another comes and then another, and then another and at last with their bodies piled up a bridge is built and the rest pass over."

She said, "And of those that come first, some are swept away, and are heard of no more; their bodies do not even build the bridge?"

"And are swept away, and are heard of no more -- and what of that?" he said. "And what of that . . . " she said.

"They make a track to the water's edge"

"They make a track to the waters edge . . . " And she said, "Over that bridge which shall be built with our bodies, who will pass?"

He said, 'the entire human race."

And the woman grasped her staff.

And I saw her turn down that dark path to the river . . .

And I dreamed a dream.

I dreamed I saw a land. And on the hills walked brave women and brave men, hand in hand. And the looked into each other's eyes, and they were not afraid. And I saw the women also hold each other's hands. And I said to him beside me, "What place is this?"

And he said, "This is heaven."

And I said, "Where is it?"

And he answered, "On earth."

And I said, "When shall these things be?"

And he answered, "In the Future."

Note from a Friend

This is an excerpt from the book, "Lost in the land of Oz," (or something to that effect.) The book includes this story, by Olive Schreiner, who wrote it in the 1920's. (So I should be OK re: copyright, eh?) When I read earlier messages from Neil, I was reminded what it was like for me as the wife of an alcoholic. My (now ex-) husband told me that I was the problem, that I should get help. Essentially, "Get thee to a counselor!" So, to be compliant (nothing more) with his wishes, I decided to go ONE time.After the relief of truly being heard during that session, I asked if the therapist had any more openings that day! I saw her for 3 1/2 years, then the therapist from hell for 6 years, and have seen that same original therapist again now for.... 5 years almost? I think. I have lost count. Anyway, I am still coming to terms with the many ways in which, yes, I have a problem. But my therapist shared this story with me, and it resonates on so many levels that I wanted to share it with you.

The Good, The Bad and the Ugly

Most would say that Good is a positive. It is something to be looked forward to, it really does no harm, or so we think. It is something that we like. It lifts us up at times, makes us feel good or feel secure and gives us a sense of safety.

The Bad and the Ugly are things or situations etc that cost us or cause us pain. They take something away from us; they don’t allow us to have what we want or what we are entitled to or for that matter how we want it or where we want it.

The Bad and the Ugly stands between me and Good, or so I think.

All of this is very subjective, very experiential.

Now here is the question: how confident are you with your abilities to be able to discern what is indeed Good For You and conversely what falls under the umbrella of The Bad, The Ugly, or Evil ...?

What Are Your Experiences Struggling With This ...?

Fool’s Gold

The real and only underlying flaw in life is that nearly all of us don’t believe we are good; that we don’t have value.

That statement is a truth as far as we are concern. We actually believe deeply that we don’t have value.

The problem is that statement, that mind set, is the furthest thing from the truth. It was learned when we were very young and now we hang on to it as if it were gold. It identifies me to me.

What is it that I will have to do to give up this false belief?

Fool’s Gold

Trust is about value

Life is about what I really value

The difference between those two places

Is something we have to learn

And then put them in their proper order in our lives

Unraveling Co-dependent Relationships

Once you understand that the causes of co-dependency originate in relationship dynamics that never got completed, you can begin to see how those dynamics recycle in present relationships, be that marriage or inter social or vocational.

The completion of your psychological birth process is the dynamic that is pressing for recognition all the time in co-dependent relationships.

It is or they are the ghosts of sensations that are ever present and nearly not noticed. It is or they are what drives us to do what it is that we do while we are busy thinking I Had Choice. It is our feelings having us and not us having our feelings.

When you learn to recognize what you left undone or did not have the opportunity to complete, then, with additional support of safe significant others and new skills such as reframing and not over generalizing just to mention a few, you can consciously finish the process that should have gone to completion years ago. With some effort I might add. It is work.

Identifying

The next step is to identify the co-dependent patterns. The following are some of the key indicators of a co-dependent relationship:

Even though you. have lots of objective evidence that the relationship as it stands is not good for you, you take no steps to change it or break the co-dependent patterns.

You find yourself making excuses for you or your partner that are designed to hide the truth from others.

When you think about changing or leaving the relationship, you feel afraid and cling to it even harder.

When you take some beginning steps to change the relation¬ship, you suffer acute anxiety and physical symptoms that can only be relieved by reestablishing the old co-dependent patterns.

When you do begin to make changes, you experience an intense longing for the old patterns, or you feel scared, all alone or empty.

The main characteristics of co-dependent people are as fol¬lows.

What CO-DEPENDENTS like to do :

Use an external frame of reference. Co-dependents focus all of their attention on what their partner is doing or not doing.

Use the relationship the way someone might use alcohol or drugs. They are addicted to another person and believe they can't function independently of that person or without the relationship they have with that person.

Cannot define their psychological boundaries. Co-dependents don't know where they end and others begin. They tend to take on the problems of others as their own.

Try always to make a good impression on others. This is a way in which co-dependent people try to control the percep¬tions of others. They are people-pleasers.

Do not trust their own ideas, perceptions, feelings or beliefs. Co-dependents will defer to the opinions of others and not stand by their own ideas and opinions.

Try to make themselves indispensable to others. Co-dependents will knock themselves out to take care of things for others that these people could actually do for themselves.

Play martyr. They learn to suffer but do it gallantly. They will put up with intolerable situations because they think they have to.

Are skilled at controlling others. They try to control everything but usually fail because it is an impossible task.

Are out of touch with their true feelings. They distort their feelings and only express them when they can feel justified to do so.

Are gullible. Because co-dependents are not in touch with their feelings, they lack discernment. They are bad judges of character and only see what they want to see.

Lose contact with their spiritual self. They are often cut off from the spiritual side of life.

Are fearful, rigid and judgmental. Black and white thinking dominates the lives of co-dependents.

Cosmic Rule Number One: Ego verse Spirit

Every one of us has to give up deciding what is good or evil on our own terms ... that maybe sound ridiculous in the nth degree ... but it is because our ego is not the guiding light in all this. It wants to be, but it is not. It’s Spirit that is the guiding light and the Ego is in the way.

When we were very young our initial experiences with life were difficult ... that much is true. At that point in life every one of us related to that difficulty as it being painful. Again true! Basically because it was, but from the child’s magical way of looking, this pain or painfulness is understood as a death threat; something to be escaped from; it does not mean that it was a death threat, but from the child’s perception of it, it was.

Once there and established as a mindset, difficult/painful/death threat as a unit, then in the perception of all, the afterglow of the death threat attaches to anything that seems to be painful without any idea of the covert issues that are attaching to the present moment. These issues are really from our deep past of the painfulness from childhood. The intensity of the experience in the here and now is often coloured by the volume and the intensity of the childhood experience buried deep in our psyche. Thus the covert undercurrent relentlessly brings us to an irrational place in our consciousness that is embodied in fear ... “fear of pain” ... and that pain equates to perception of imagined death. Basically, scary as hell for no apparent reason other then what is present before us in the here and now. None of this is rational thinking but as this sense of fear intensifies and gains momentum, the symbiotic feedback loop repeats itself as our imagination, begins to take off and analyses what we think is happening and what we can do about it. As we try and rationalize our feelings away, we create a perfect little hell of our own making.

How Can We Avoid The Undercurrent Of The Covert Issue Of Death?

What happened when we were young was that we trusted what we did to combat those terrible feelings of isolation, fear and death. We learned self reliance. The problem with self reliance is that it was learned from the child’s perspective as a measure of self preservation. The problem is that from our prospective it seemed to work. We’re here aren’t we? Maybe, not worked very well, because as adults we are muddling our way through trying to have a life we know that we should be able to have but at the same time not getting what we need or want. We have placed our faith in how we did it then and do things now. It becomes a cybernetic feedback loop, a returning cycle; it becomes our way of doing things. We have to know what is best from our own point of view. We carry on repeating the same old patterns and getting the same old results.

Most, even the seemingly most religious of us, really don’t have the concept of how to place our faith in Spirit. Now if you are paying close attention to this thing called Life, the entire exercise of life is really about learning how to do just that; place our faith in something we have little or no experience with, then carrying on into the unknown.

Did you know that it is impossible to be afraid of the unknown? The only things we can fear are those things that we have experience with and then imagine about and then project those imaginings forward into our unknown, our future ... and that can make our life a very scary place to be.

In a 12 step program, the steps direct our attention to examining all the aforementioned; in Steps 2 and then Step 3; in Step 2. It is all about how we can’t do it ourselves and that something far greater than “me” ... “WE” ... can restore me to sanity.

Once experience is gained here in the appreciation and understanding of Step 2, that lays the foundation for Spirit, because Step 3 is where we decide to play with spirit as we understand ... it, him or her ... God.

A new way of doing things ... having a healthy dependency on Spirit.

Imagine that!