Intro
True Confessions of A
Therapist
Or
Observations and Conversations
on the Passage of Time,
With Me, Myself and God
I would like to begin this
journal by telling you a bit about myself. I would like to tell you just how
circuitous the journey of me finding me was for me. Just how tricky it was to begin to believe
that I was actually having a life and not lost in one. (BTW once found, know
this nothing is resolved, it has only just begun)
It begins with me coming to a
place of understanding that, just like everyone else who has arrived here on
the face of this planet, upon arrival, I was instantly endowed with a survival
suit. A body, to live in and work with for the duration of my stay on the
planet.
The survival suit seems to be
a requirement to be here.
This survival suit/body comes
equipped with many interesting devices and processes but one of the most
interesting is that it allows us to perform two major functions.
·
One,
operate the survival suit.
·
Two,
thinks about things.
The latter was the part that
was dangerous for me.
Thinking About Things, That Is
Because, over time, as I
thought about it, I came to a place where I firmly believed that this is what I
did best. Thought about things.
Now that does not mean that I
did this 'thinking about things' best, it just means that I firmly believed
that I did. And believe me there is a
difference. Of course, with the process
of thinking about things, naturally came the notion that I understood what it
was that I thought I thought about.
You see the problem, don't
you?
It's actually scary when you
frame it like that.
Well, it follows naturally,
that as these two aspects of my life's predicament settled in upon me, that is,
me operating the survival suit in a hostile environment and me thinking about
it. As these two aspects coupled with my
analysis of my thoughts, more thinking about things, all began to weigh down
upon my shoulders. So, to lighten the
load, I began to make conclusions about my life and about those significant
others in my life and me as I related to them and their circumstances. One of the
more profound insights of supposed understanding was; "I AM" the
survival suit. After all what other
conclusion would you come to if you had forgotten from 'whence you came'?
Actually, what I came to
understand after a very protracted period of time thinking about it, was that I
was just in my survival suit. (Oh yes, nearly forgot and nearly left that out
didn't I, from 'whence we came'! . . .
Now there is something to think about . . . really! You can sort of get lost in that one without
trying too hard, if you think about it!)
Remember:
Think
Think
Think
Means
After three thinks quit;
You can only hurt yourself
after that.
Subtle Difference In Words
Worlds Apart In Process.
I have also found out through
my intermingling with some of the rest of humanity observations on life that
most others don't know that they are just in their survival suits too. They don't know this as a 'truth'. They may know it as a fact but not a
truth. There is a difference. I do think that most suspect this is true but
prefer to ignore it or if they do know this to be true then they sure as hell
don't want to have a damned thing to do with the idea. They, like me, for the
longest time, were or are more then happy basking in the bliss of 'playful
ignorance'. It seemed safer that way,
not nearly as hostile, somehow. So, it naturally followed that they would much
rather be who they thought they were, then who they really are. And of course there are various levels of
support that are necessary for me to believe that I am who I think I am. This generally involved me believing you were
who you thought you were and you returning the compliment of believing I was
who I thought I was, thus we could pretend to be who we thought we were together. Together is the key word because the problem
was I couldn't do that alone. This is
often mistakenly called friendship or relationship. Actually one of my predominate variations on
a theme was that I thought I was a therapist and I needed you to need me or I
didn't like you, if the truth were known.
That way, things would appear to be safer and easier to understand at
least for the moment. It also served me well because as long as I could focus
on you I could avoid me. Any bells ring
for anyone here! They did for me.
I believe the next key word
here is 'appear' because like me, most put the term 'I hope' in front of most
everything they did. I know I did. Sort of like blind faith hoping that the
right thing . . . what ever that was . . . would happen and we could make
safely on and into what ever is next.
The Joys of Conditional Prayer
'I hope' became the codicil
phrase for a deeper belief structure that haunted me for most of my life. I went through life for the longest time with
variations on a theme of this codicil hanging off of me or being offered up as
my daily mantra. "I hope that"
or "I prayer that" . . . this will happen or not happen or I could
have or not have.
Remember, that after the 'hope
that or prayer that' part, just fill in the blank(s) with whatever it is that
you want to have appear in front of you or whatever it is that you would like
have disappear from in front of you.
Translated This Means
"Dear God please give me
(fill in the blank) and finally prove once and for all that I am special."
. . . But here is the kicker, "Not in your eyes oh Lord but in
mine". There is something backward
in that request and it took me years to come up on it and understand that
Ready, Fire, Aim was not necessarily the way to do it, but . . .
'Dear Lord Prove To Me Once
And For All That I Am Special'.
Well, here is the proof . . .
You're here and you're having this experience. You're right in the middle of
it. Without the specialness of the
creation, you would not be here and neither would any of this, but here you
are, right smack in the middle, and having a problem with it all at the same
time, and here is here for you to be here in. So, if you want to get particular
about it and give it a few thoughts, you may want to notice that there is a
'here' to be in. What a gift! Even
though most don't notice it as that.
Simple, isn't it, if only
you'd notice!
So If You Really Want To Think
About Proving Specialness Try This.
Try combining the thought of:
all this reality that we are a part of, together with the thought, that if it
wasn't here to be part of or to be here in, then we would not be here trying to
get what it is that it seems we can't get from whoever or whatever it is that
we are trying to get it from.
Phew . . . Now there is one to
think about.
There really is no other proof
when you stop and think about no matter how I try. So the job at hand seems to be that I have to
accept me as me and me as being in the midst of something I did not
create.
Really quite simple if you
stop and think about it. All
things-being fair.
It Is Really Quite Simple.
My life is mine and the
specialness of my existence is simply proved by my being here in the first
place. A Gift of Peace1 quotes A Course
in Miracles nicely as it develops this thought.
I quote:
The Pursuit of Specialness
The pursuit of specialness is
always at the cost of peace.
You are not special. If you
think you are, and would defend your specialness against the truth of what you
really are, how can you know the truth?
Specialness always makes
comparisons. It is established by a lack
seen in another, and maintained by searching for, and keeping clear in sight,
all lacks it can perceive.
When peace is not with you
entirely, and when you suffer pain of any kind, you have beheld some sin within
your brother, and have rejoiced at what you thought was there. Your specialness seemed safe because of it.
The pursuit of specialness
must bring you pain.
Forgiveness is the end of
specialness. Only illusions can be forgiven, and then they disappear. Forgiveness is release from all illusion.
It is said somewhere or other
that God will do for you what you can't do for yourself, not what you would
like to have done for you or what you are too lazy to do or get or too
befuddled to do on your own. If you can
do it then you have to. That seems to be
a great cosmic law. If you can't, then the Greater Power will supply
"it" only if "it" is really necessary.
And only if!
That's life.
When I came to the
appreciation of this understanding of the 'Way of Things' it was easier to
believe in the truth of 'who' I really was and that I was actually having a
life and not just lost in one.
There are a few naturally
occurring complications along the route called my life path.
The first and foremost is a
thing called "The Parents".
We all have some. Some parents
are nice about it and some are not. Some
are ever present and some disappeared years ago and some left us to our own
devices. But if we are here then, we
either have a set or had a set some
place, sometime. Often as not there are
as conspicuous in their absence as they were in their presence. Now if yours are anything like my parents
they had and some still have, agendas for you.
They want(ed) you to grow up and become somebody have and ego be just
like them. Sometimes that meant that the
'somebody' they would have liked you to be is 'nobody'.
But the prerequisite seems to
be that as long as the 'somebodyness' is just like them, or what it is they are
or were not, or would have liked to have been or . . . And the variations on
that theme becomes endless then they are the gods of our determination as far
as we are concerned. They held the
agenda for our growth in their hands or so it seemed at the time.
This idea may be defined as
part of the problem or may be part of the conditioning, and that really is more
semantic and completely depends on your point of view. The problem here in lays, that as children,
we actually believed that they know what is best for us. Often they did, and
that explains by most of us did not play in traffic all that often or snake
handled too much, but that blind faith in those that stood before us actually
launched us onto the path of spiritual growth.
Why launched onto a path of
spiritual growth?
Simply out of the fact that at
the very beginning of our life's journey there was a little confusion about
whom and what was God.
Oh well, best not reveal too
much too soon.
There are signposts,
benchmarks and station-stops along the path.
It is essential that before embarking on life's journey, that we
understand how to read the instructions that were left for us. But first, most of us have to come to terms
with and accept the fact that directions were left for us and hopefully those
directions mean something.
Simple Statement of Fact:
We have to be able to read the
truth these signposts' hold because our very future depends on us being able to
understand what it is that we 'think' we are seeing and what it is that they
are really saying.
Carl Sagan used this concept
as one of his organizing principals in his book "Contact". It seems that we have to learn how to read
the weave of signposts for what they really say without trying to twist the
messages into what we think they should be saying. This urge to twist our perception seems to
want to happen out a desperation and a deep-seated frustration at having been
dumped into a life, into a system that we never really asked to be dumped into,
in the first place like: why am I here, really?
All of this is a part of the conundrum of life and all of this is part
of the journey along the path called life.
Two Opposing Forces
As I began to pay attention to
these processes of attempting to appreciate my own life's conundrum, I noticed
that there were always two opposing forces that set up in my
consciousness. Each with its own set of
observations and values, each separate from one and other, yet at the same time
contingent upon each other, and all was about what it is that I thought I
noticed and appreciated about my experiences on the path of life.
It seems that as I paid close
attention to these phenomena of Ying/Yang, black/white, either/or, I was
actually beginning to notice the signposts or benchmarks for my journey. I still could not read them, but at least I
knew they were there to be read if I could. It seems to follow that the
spiritual truth of the message contained in the signpost always had a
complimentary egocentric message that offset the truth of the spiritual message
contained there in. My conundrum seemed to be to know the difference, which one
was which. Because I knew that sooner or
later I would have to use some form of the message as I made my next move along
my life's the path.
These opposing forces can be
defined differentially as 'of Spirit' and 'of Ego'.
One set of variables connects
us to 'all that is' and other keeps us tied to 'our terrible dailyness' of
self-seeking definitions, or of having to understand ever more hollow and never
satisfactory reasons for why and always leaving a sense of despairing emptiness
deep inside.
But neither force revealing
its nature until a bite of the apple is taken and swallowed. Sort of resembles being the King's official
food taster. The ups are wonderful and
the down days are deadly. Either one, spiritual or egotistical have myriad sets
of consequences that seems to need endless amounts of unraveling and that can
consume even the most seasoned traveler on the path.
Discernment Is What Is Called For
But how do I do it
myself? Well 'you' don't. You do it in conjunction with someone or
something.
If you are like me, you do
take time to speak with a Higher Power but the secret is when you take the time
to speak with your Higher Power - share, yes I know it is a strange concept but
actually share. It can be done quietly in your head or sometimes I do it in the
middle of traffic. Sometimes sitting
lone or laying awake late at night, just thinking about things. Having a deep desire not to be alone, as my
wife sleeps and breathes deeply beside me, ever present but deeply involved in
being who she is in that moment and ever so removed from me all at the same
time as her body rests against mine. So,
I reach out in my mind and from my heart and share with the 'Great Unknown' a
few moments about my day or my wishes or my wants or about what I think I need
or what I did or what was funny or what was not.
Sometimes it's just about my
day, no big deal.
Sometimes it is the great
prayer of desperation,
If only 'You'd' save me from .
. . fill in the blank . . . than I'd do . . . fill in the blank . . . I
promise'.
Sometimes it is just me simply
sharing what it was like to be me today or what happened during my day and
every now and then it is me asking what the Creator wants me to do for
Him. Imagine that, I asked if I could be
of service.
Coming to terms with accepting
that there might be a Higher Power in my life took some time for me to get
past, considering my first experiences with a Higher Power parents.
Once on the other side of that
psychological and spiritual ridge I could see that they were just like me,
working as best they could with what they thought they had, but baffled by the
signposts and benchmarks just as I am.
When I saw this, I could accept a Higher Power into my life. Now I never said that He, She or It was not
there all along, what I said was, that I could accept It as being there in my
life.
This is about where I'd like
to pick up the idea I like to call True Confessions of a Therapist or
Observations and Conversations on the passage of time, with Me, Myself and
God.
"Experience has taught
us2" also flows from this thought.
The ideas and thoughts are
simply outlines of and for deeper experiences, some by me but mostly by others.
Not every one of these passages moves a person in the same fashion or the same
direction.
What I have learned is that
only we can create those supposed mystic, deeper experiences for
ourselves. We do this as we begin the
exploration of our newly discovered 'truth'.
And that process of exploring more deeply into our newfound truths, in
and of itself, creates more experience deeper subjective expressions and then
those outcomes create more affects and so on and so on. It is really a proactive chain of events that
requires only one thing. You and I get off
our collective ass-ends and doing something for ourselves. Just, me for me and with my God, us working
together, as I have come to know Him, Her or It.
It seems to be how each
individual spiritual path is built. It
seems to be there for the building. The
idea seems to be 'trusting' that it needs to be built and the journey taken. That is all it takes, just a little
faith. Mustard seed size actually. One
thought or experience leads to another and to another and another. It's like following the jellybeans and
eventually you'll arrive at a place called 'different'.
I have come to notice that the
various outcomes of my endeavors have many levels of observation to them but
there seems to be a consistency to them that is highly personal. Here is a collection of those observations I
have made about myself, my journey and the affects of my journey on me and
others.
There doesn't appear to be a
way for me to give someone else what I know. All I can do is help create
opportunities whereby they might see "different" for themselves.
When I do attempt to give
someone else what I know or what I think I know and then make the fatal mistake
of believing I have succeeded in passing on this piece of wisdom, I often
discover I have not. I have often
discovered to my own chagrin that by thinking I have succeeded in keeping
someone from going through one more private, painful little hell, I
haven't. And the long run always proves
me wrong. That can be disheartening at times.
It seems that it is a universal rule that they have to go through that
private, painful, little hell for themselves.
It is as if it were necessary, a right of passage, part of the 'deal' of being here, it needed to be done -
it seems as simple as that.
So
The truth of the matter seems
to be that each person has to learn 'it' for themselves and usually experience
it over and over again before the message is ferreted out and understood at the
deepest levels of the psyche .
And
They seem to be able to do
this better when I have stepped out of the shadow of my good-guy helper role
and I am just here as facilitator.
So
It's obvious to me now that
many of the problems I have to face in my life are a result of how things were
when I was growing up. This seems to be true for just about everybody else too!
It Follows Then, That My
Life's Conundrum Is:
I am here spending the rest of
my life suffering for personality traits I never really asked for.
Where is the justice in that?
Well, there isn't any is
there!
But on the other hand I was
never promised justice was I.
So
It seems that healing, health
and a life style are all really the same thing.
They are all simply
habits. Habits that will, one way or
another, develop along the way. Learned as actions and/or reactions that should
become involuntary or habitual at some point. Habitual and hopefully, be helpful,
discerning my life and what to do with it now that I am in the middle of it.
That's The Theory Anyway!
So it seems that there are
more complex conundrums to solve as I move deeper into my journey. It seems
that I have to overcome my original "involuntaryisms" - habits - the
ones that I picked up early in life to save me from a fate that nearly scared
me to death. The ones that helped me
originally survive 'til now. I now carry
them with me and use them daily. Actually I trip over them now more then I use
them but they are and were the habits that I really trust.
Here is the problem, these
habits are the 'grandchildren' of those habits I used to survive in the face of
overwhelming evidence that I either wouldn't survive the next few moments or
shouldn't have survived those few moments but I did. These 'grandchildren' of my survival traits
are all cloaked in a strange aura that seems so inviting and strangely familiar
but I am learning that they are dangerous.
They seem to only work best in my mind.
What I am coming to learn is
that when I do attempt to put those old habits into practice in reality they
hurt, and cause pain for both others and me.
But they are so familiar, and
they are my habit.
One wise soul liken this
situation to the person walking around with the Kick Me sign hooked unbeknownst
to them on their backside. Eventually
one awakens to the fact that what they are doing must change, must go and they
have to come to a place of understanding that what they learned 20 or 40 years
ago is not what will work now. Then be prepared
to work very hard at creating 'new and different'. Be prepared to make mistake after mistake and
then work very hard at staying put in this new place in their consciousness
that they created.
To do this they need to be in
a place to appreciate that they might just have to come out of hiding and take
risks and learn how to trust someone other then themselves.
